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If the cold winds lambasting your face at 8:30 AM haven’t given you a brutal reminder, I’m here to let you know that we are officially in winter. Or, if you’re the Mayans: 1-month before the END OF THE WORLD (cue silly Armageddon music).
Yes, it sucks. Gone are the days when you leave work early to catch a baseball game and see if in fact you can land a curly fry into the large-breasted woman’s bra a couple rows down from you (What, us? No, we’ve never tried that one…).
The sun, surf, bikinis, and outdoor sex romps are all on-hold…well, maybe not the sex romps - there are hot tubs, right? (And no, hot water is not a medically sound method of birth control, despite what you’ve heard).
So, why make an extra effort to make sure you look good in the winter? Well, with all those holiday office parties and your buddies Christmas bashes around the corner, you are more likely to meet tons of single women who are feeling a little insecure that they don’t have a big, warm, cuddly teddy bare such as yourself to snuggle up to (Preying on women’s insecurities = Jackpot!).
According to our independent survey of New York City women, you improve your attractiveness by 10-fold if you simply have clear, spot-free skin. What does a 10-fold difference look like? It’s like the difference between George Hamilton and George Clooney (Yes, Mr. Hamilton – the 1970s called and they want their fake tan back).
The winter can take a massive toll on your skin and leave you looking, well, tired, spotty, and looking like you haven’t seen the light of day in months. Here are 5 Must Have Products that will make sure you combat every Winter Skin problem you will face:
Perhaps the worst thing about all of the holiday parties this season is not waking up in bed next to Lucy the office janitor (She’s an 8/10 from the waist down, we know), but the fact that your eyes look all puffy and dark from pounding back tequila laced eggnog all night. Studies show that since the skin under the eyes is the thinnest, it is the most susceptible to the effects of dehydration and fatigue.
The caffeine & sugar extract in our Uplifting Eye Gel blasts your eyes with a much-needed jolt so you look awake. Make sure you also apply the Eye Radiance Cream to remove those dark circles that can form from not getting enough sleep. SHOP NOW (LIMITED TO 100 CUSTOMERS!)
After a night of holiday partying, your face gets extremely dry, crackly, and puffy from dehydration. Mix that in with the fact that indoor dry heat & winter winds dry your face up to 6-times more than normal and you have the recipe for getting pimples all over your handsome mug. Studies show that when your face is too dry, your body produces excess oil in an effort to restore it back to normal – this excess oil leads to pimples & acne (as well as making shaving a lot more challenging). Hydrating sunflower oil & antioxidant rich green-tea extract in our Facial Moisturizer make sure your skin is spot-free and looking healthy. Apply 2-times a day, once in the morning and once in the evening to make sure you don’t look dried out & ashy. SHOP NOW (LIMITED TO 100 CUSTOMERS!)
Ever had the miserable experience of walking into blistering winter winds RIGHT AFTER you shaved your face? Only 1 word describes this experience: MOTHERF**KER!!! It feels as though a million evil-little trolls have invaded your face, repeatedly stabbing you until you beg for mercy! This is why lots of guys grow lumberjack style beards during the winter months – they can’t take the pain! If you want her to snuggle up to you at night, you better get a cleanly shaven mug in time for your buddy’s Santa’s Naughty Little Helper XXXMas Theme party (Yes, we have very interesting friends here at the Kyoku Office…sorry for party rocking). Our Sake-Infused shave cream moisturizes your skin and protects it against the harsh winter winds by leaving a thin layer of anti-inflammatories on your skin, so you can stride to work at ease (screw you evil trolls!). SHOP NOW (LIMITED TO 100 CUSTOMERS!)
Since the winds & dry indoor heat make your face so dehydrated, it’s only natural that dead skin can end up piling up on top of your face, blocking your stubble from growing properly. This gives rise to ingrown hairs, which look and feel just as painful as pimples. Trust us – no woman is going to lean in for a kiss under the mistletoe and say “Oh, that’s such a nice ingrown hair sitting on top of your upper lip, mind if I lick it?” So, to avoid her shrieking for terror, get your hands on our Razor Repair Balm, which contains ancient Japanese Oils and our Anti-Bump formula that stops ingrown hairs at their source. (And don’t walk around with mistletoe in your pocket this holiday season – what are you, our creepy 65-year old Uncle Charlie?) SHOP NOW (LIMITED TO 100 CUSTOMERS!)
There’s nothing better than a sexy, smoky scent lingering on your body that lures every woman within a 0.1-mile radius to come and smell your neck – even if you normally smell like a 6-month old tuna and cheese sandwich. Our Fire Body Wash contains a blend of Amazonian Tree Sap, Leather, Whiskey, and Japanese Wood Trimmings to give you a mysterious, warm, cuddle-friendly smell. What’s the best part to this fragrance? It lingers on your skin for 4 hours even after you shower! Be a man and invest in a nice body wash so you can stop stealing mini-shower gels from the local Holiday Inn (it’s OK, we’ve all done it before). SHOP NOW (LIMITED TO 100 CUSTOMERS!)